Nothing Important

Trying hard not to cry today. It feels unfair; why does the world seem so unjust? When A gets scolded in front of everyone, suddenly, everyone needs to be considerate because their mental health is unstable. But when B experiences the same thing, it’s brushed off, and people say, ‘It’s normal,’ because B appears to handle it well. But B has feelings too, a heart, a mind, and memories. Now, B is also struggling with depression. Do we really have to wait until someone’s mental health deteriorates before we start to care?

Besides, all of this stems from my own weaknesses. I struggle to express myself, so what I try to say is often misunderstood by others. Am I really that foolish?

Oh how I want to dissappear today...

I feel like a sh*t...

Feeling useless, unwanted, uninvited. 

Feeling humiliated... Guilty... 

But when I look at A, it reminds me of when I was little. How nice it would be to have a place to vent, to share, to cry on someone’s shoulder...

I was once laughed at for mispronouncing a monophthong by two female classmates. Another time, during a presentation in a lecture hall, I was mocked for stuttering while speaking in a foreign language. This time, it was by someone highly regarded for their language skills and eloquence. I felt humiliated, frozen when I saw them giggling with their best friend. My face flushed, burning hot, and I felt on the verge of tears. The shame was overwhelming—I didn’t know where to hide. Even now, I struggle with confidence. Every time I try to speak, those two incidents come back to haunt me.

I don’t know why, but tonight, memories of other times suddenly flood my mind.